You know sometimes, you truly feel lost. Everything seems so insipid. Everything seems so ordinary. Gloom is besetting. And unsettling. But you can’t do anything about it. Or don’t. Apathy ensues.
Wallowing in bed, eyes closed, eyes open, doesn’t matter. Overthinking. Imagining impossibly beautiful scenarios. Sometimes just lying blank, unmindfully scrolling the news feed on facebook or Instagram. Witnessing another minute, another hour, another day go into the bin. Watching self centered narcissists and their stories of frolics, all the more agitating. But then again, apathy follows.
You don’t go out much. You don’t interact much. You don’t socialise much. You denigrate it privately. You find faults in everything. And boy! You are good at it. You think everything is so unnecessary. So kitschy. Too corny.
Your eyes see nothing but problems in the world. That everything has a veil. That everyone is a charade. You overlook a lot of beautiful things. They just lie in front of you, waiting to be seen. You don’t even open your eyes to them. Let alone squint.
A moment comes, and you just can’t take this inertial state anymore. You want to scream, shout your lungs out. You want to rip your clothes off. In that moment, you want everything to change. And its so frustrating because its not possible. You vow to change, yourself and the situation. But in the back of your mind, you are aware that this just might be another whim of yours. And you try your best to battle it. No this time its different, you say. I will get into a routine. Or I will go out. Or I will go talk more, to my mom and dad, friends, heck! Even strangers. I will study more. Or I will work more.
And you imagine the satisfaction and happiness you get when you turn things around. And the problem with you is that you have already imagined the whole scenario, what good could happen? What could go wrong? You have imagined, and acted every emotion and situation in your mind. So that makes the actual working part hackneyed and uninteresting.
And this happens every time. Everything, seems laced with banality. Every situation seems redundant.
For a person like this, (For you. If you identify with this predicament) any sudden thing or a situation he has not imagined, is the thing that gives him the kick. And that’s very rare by the way. Because he has all the time in the world to overthink.
And he always knows where he is lacking, and what he is doing wrong. This is not a problem caused by lack of awareness. Its far from it.
This makes him hold unnecessary compunctions. His confidence, his will, absolutely sink. He is just like a walking, sentient, cognizant sponge. Observing everything, absorbing, everything. Compressing and compressing. Not knowing or not wanting to expand, regain its shape. Aware of the ridiculous burden or his own making, yet still bearing it. A burden of his own compunctions, convictions and his actions, or inactions I should say.
What can be done about this??
You know the answer. Always.
Just act on it. Even if you know all the outcomes.