I’m a terrible, terrible person.

Truth is a shining light. Truth is also a torrential rain.

It is soothing like warm sunlight, a mild drizzle, comforting, gratifying.

It is excruciating like scorching summer sun, a downpour, drenching, dejecting.

The truth is, I am an all right person. Or so I believe at times.                                         But the truth is also that I am a bad, bad person. And that, I know.

We always have this thing in the back of our minds, that we should adhere to our moral code. Our heart is our best friend. Our mind, our keenest critic.

Our moral codes are different. Because it is very hard to find a common ground of absolute good and and evil. No black or white, we all are shades of grey.

That is why we find our non adherence to our respective moral code more bothering than non adherence to a perceived absolute.

The sad thing is, when we deviate from our perceived notion of right and wrong, we don’t realise where we are heading to. We mould our years old notions and beliefs like plasticine, so easily, thinking that we are looking at the very same thing from a different angle.

We unknowingly counter our critic(s) with an unneeded ferocity. And sometimes even begin weighing in against the very foundation of our moral centre in a cushioned or a veiled manner.

Another sad thing, we realise our mistake, our fault  (our vehement protest against our very own set of beliefs) in retrospection. Always. And it’s hard, again. Because you can never be the same, things, can never be the same. Your moral code, your value system has to change, or adapt to strengthen, or completely implode. And that is scary.

Plus there’s a difference between realisation and acceptance. That transition, that leap is a daunting one.

I often find myself stuck in this miasma. I am aware. Yet indignant. It feels as if I am angry at something, or someone. Looking for any reason or any chance to vent all my brewing negativity at once.  There have been a lot of situations in which my reprimanding conscience, and intuition drive me mad.

And there have been a lot of such mistakes I have made in the past.

Lack of belief. Undirected hatred. Tempesting over a teapot. Bypassing the moral road. Realisation. Denial. Retrospection. Acceptance. Lack of courage, to own my mistake, to apologise.

Whatever we might seem from the outside. All right to some. Assholes to some. Let’s just be that from the inside too.

What makes us terrible, (what made me, or still makes me terrible.) is the duality of belief, lack of respect, ignorance towards conscience, and an an unchanneled negativity.

I’m a terrible, terrible person. But at least I know that. Do you?